I always struggled with writing about Black women in high light because I always felt like if I wrote a post called, “Why I Love Black Women.” I’d just be accused of reinventing the wheel. I read a lot of commentary regarding Black women online daily. I’ll admit the amount of bashing on Black women has just gotten flat out ridiculous. The media wants you to believe that there’s something wrong the Black women, but honestly Black women are perfectly fine. They don’t experience any problems that any other race doesn’t have. They haven’t reached a point where they might die out, need a total makeover, or assistance from President Obama in order to save their kind. They’re just fine!
As a young Black professional, I take pride in telling you that Black men and women are excelling in corporate America. Yes, we continue to face issues because of discrimination and race everyday. Yes, there exists some competition within the race, but it’s nothing to say that there is something wrong with professional Black women. I’ve been in the “real world” for a while now, so long that I’m trying to get out, and in my experience, no disrespect to anyone, but an asshole is an asshole. I can’t tell you what an angry Black woman is, because there is no difference amongst the races, maybe they’re just angry women in the world.
Then, mainstream media will convince you that Black women are overweight and have all types of insecurities when it comes to their bodies. Well Black women have awesome bodies. There will always be women who battle obesity, just like there will always be women who battle anorexia and bulimia. However, if oversized breasts and butts are going out of style, then there’s no evidence to suggest it to me. It is obvious that black women are the prototype for beauty. Think about it, why other races tan themselves, put on lipstick, work or pay for a bigger butt (or pair of breasts). These things that we see as “stereotypical” for Black women aren’t bad at all.
I try not to focus on stereotypes too much. I believe that stereotypes come from somewhere, that I won’t deny. I just think that sometimes the stereotypes don’t make much sense. Your tone can determine everything when it comes to stereotypes. Thinking back to Sir-Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby Got Back” opening line, “Oh my god Becky, look at her butt, it is so big,” you might feel disdain in her voice. However, I’ll tell you right now if you overheard this from a couple of Black guys, “Dog…enormous, the butt is enormous, own zip code fam, own zip code” you wouldn’t always take that as an insult. A lot of things come down to the way you state them.
When we look at dating and marriage, the statistics are startling. Those statistics don’t really mean much to me though. The way I see it, if a Black woman wants to find a date, she can find a date. She chooses not to date, or she doesn’t have sufficient options. I do not see this to be that serious of a problem. I know women who complain they can’t find a man, but the thing is they are hiding or they’re hiding the part of them that makes them a woman. Black women with their head screwed on right have no problems finding a man. Black men with their head screwed on right have no shortage of women to date. When a man complains about Black women and their “issues” or “challenges” as it pertains to dating, I just remind them that they are probably too busy chasing the wrong women. You can’t get mad at a woman for being a dingbat, if you met her in a club at some pro-athlete’s VIP section. She’s made it perfectly clear the image she wants to portray is that of a groupie or gold digger. Likewise, I know several attractive Black women with their priorities in order who are single because dudes are checking for groupies and gold diggers. As it pertains to marriage, people who marry for the “right” reasons are usually successful. I just pray that you and your spouse are on the same page about what those “right” reasons are. They seem to differ so much from person to person.
Another point I’d like to present is that there’s nothing inherently wrong with Black women, but there are some things that make them different, and those things make them better. A lot of times we analyze the actions of Black women to the Nth degree only to tell us that they have issues and pass the blame onto them. We don’t want single women with children…perhaps we should work on being better fathers. A high percentage of Black women have STD’s….maybe we should practice safe sex and know our status. Black women are too independent…I don’t know about that, it seems like they are asking us to love them the right way. Besides, independent women are the bomb (I mean the true independent women, because you are not independent if you tell a man that you are independent. A true independent woman shows it, by her actions, not her words.). You mean to tell me that I can have a woman who holds her own professionally, comes home and takes care of the family and house, and she puts something on the bills? And when asked about why she is with me, she says “I don’t need him, I want him”. That sounds like the greatest woman of all time!
As it comes to the bashing by media sources from every angle, I would consider it a human flaw. People are always chasing perfection. The definition of perfection—the state of being without flaw or defect. Therefore, you’re going to see that men will spend more time focusing on your flaws than he will spend on your strengths and things he loves about you. Black women, you ladies are great, you’re perfectly fine. There is no need for a constitutional amendment to preserve our women. When Black men come at you so hard, consider it jabbing amongst siblings. I know I take your criticisms that way. Anyway for today, I just want to say publicly, I love my Black women!
The Makings of a Man 
The Friend Zone: Do Women Know What they Need?
12/14/2010
Q. N. Gardner, MBA Commentary, Relationship Advice Biz Markie, Black woman, friend zone, relationships Leave a comment
I feel your pain, brother Biz, I feel your pain
“Let’s just be friends…”, “I value our relationship too much…”, “You’re like a brother…”, “You are too good for me, you deserve better…”
The above are just some of the various excuses I’ve heard about why a woman didn’t want to date me since I was a teenager. Over the years, these “excuses” have taken a toll. They made me question whether being the man I was raised to be worth it? Did women really want gentlemen or thugs? And why, oh, why can a woman have a guy who she knows will do everything for her and still decide to put him in the friend zone, all to date a man who she knows will do nothing but frustrate her?
Well, ladies and gentlemen, I’ve finally found the answer.
You ready? I’m seriously excited about this. I’m sweatin’ like Bishop Eddie Long at a Boy Scout meeting.
Drum roll please…
The reason is this… Actually, I have no f’ing clue.
In the process of writing this piece I learned that every woman has a different reason for why she puts men in the friend zone. The most recurrent reason I’ve heard was that there was “no attraction.” Now as hard of a hit that it is to the ego; it’s real. Despite my massive ego on my manic days, I realize that not every woman wants me. Those that don’t I tend to believe are lesbians but I digress…
Attraction is something that can’t fully be explained like why Cool Ranch Doritos taste so damn good. I’m not a tall, dark, walking magazine cover-of-a-man. I’m not Idris, Boris, Will, or Denzel. That’s not to say I’m not a bad-looking guy but I’m not the dude that women look at and say, “Yes, I will tear him up!” I’m what most would call “cute,” but my conversation more than makes up for what I may lack in some women’s eyes.
Another reason I’ve found women have put me in the friend zone was that possibly they weren’t ready for what I had to offer. Let’s not kid ourselves, people, sometimes we claim we want something but we’re really not ready for it. You claim you want to buy a home but you’ve never gotten a realtor. You claim you want to be rich but you never save money. Sometimes God has to move stuff out of our line of sight for us to appreciate it.
Gentlemen, I know we get mad when a woman says, “Let’s be friends,” but you have to respect their decision. If they can’t appreciate you as a suitor then don’t worry about it. Be her friend and learn the real her. Not the fantasy you have about your future family with her. Some of my best female friends I had an interest in when we first met but they didn’t. Then, during the process of being friends, I learned so much dirt about them through their own mouths that led me to thank the Man upstairs that I didn’t get involved with them. After finding out such information, there was no way in hell I’d ever want to date them.
This is what I like to call a “Chekhov”. Anton Chekhov was a Russian playwright and physician. What made Chekhov famous were his plays and short stories. Chekhov’s works were often compared to Shakespeare, but he did not receive much recognition until after his death. This is why friendship is always the Chekhov in relationships. Often times, you’ll learn more about people as their friend than you’ll ever learn as their mate.
All in all, I learned that life is too short to live in the past. Nothing is gained by living in a constant cycle of could’ve, should’ve, would’ve. If a woman doesn’t want you don’t sweat it. Cry a river, build a bridge and get over it. Lessons are all around us in life. The problem is that most of us would rather not look and see the lesson. But that’s cool, the lesson will creep up on you soon enough and bite you. When that happens you’ll look for a friend to help take care of the wound. I guess that’s when friend zones feel a little bit better.
Have you ever put someone in the friend zone or been put there yourself? How much does it sting when your feelings for someone else are not reciprocated? Could you maintain a real friendship with someone you had feelings for or would it be too difficult emotionally? Do some people accept the friend zone hoping they can eventually score? Have you ever found yourself attracted to someone you initially only saw as a friend? What changed for you? Or, was there someone you were attracted to but the more you got to know them the more you realized it would have never worked? Is it ever possible to get out of the friend zone or is it truly a dead zone?