When high-tech goes wrong…

Have you ever sat down and thought about why your past relationships failed?

Perhaps I am weird, but that thought has crossed my mind quite a bit lately. I’m usually not the kind of person to dwell heavily on past relationships, but there are times that I sit and wonder the results if past decisions or events never occurred.

Recently, I had a conversation with an ex-girlfriend regarding my thoughts. Unlike popular belief this conversation was not an attempt to spark an old flame. This conversation was a straight-to-the-point synopsis of our demise. There were questions that I had regarding our breakup that I wanted answered, to my surprise, she had questions as well. In fact, my ex had more questions that I did (go figure).

We asked about several things from boredom, unfaithfulness, sex, past deceptions, our favorite times as well as the least favorite times. Then we got down to the nitty-gritty, discussing our disintegration. What I gathered from her responses were that she was simply scared of our sudden lack of communication, and she feared that other inconsistencies would soon follow. I admit, I was adjusting to life after college and was not focused on maintaining a relationship. At that time I was concerned with starting a career and inadvertently pushed her away.

One thing during our conversation, we both had mentioned how much we enjoyed instant messaging, texting, and then calling each other throughout our days. We had used to message each other during my classes and while she was at work, it really made time fly. Each year, cell phones became more technologically advanced, and the iPod Touch just changed the communication game completely. One moment during our conversation, my  ex said, “It’s amazing that we have all this technology to communicate, but we really do not have anything to say.”

And it hit me…these advances in technology help us “communicate” but also hurt the quality of that communication, especially in relationships. As promised,  this is the continuation of my post entitled Black Friday Dating.

In this new, cool world of high-tech, low touch communication, we have the ability to send messages to anyone, at any hour, using any one of a variety of media. Whether it’s Twitter or Facebook or e-mail or voice mail, we have no shortage of ways to talk. But are all these new advancements helping or hurting our communication?

There was a time when the only way to interact with the object of your affection was by being in the same room with him or her. When lovers were out of visiting range, they had to write letters. Now technology has changed the game completely.

When I have to quickly let a friend know that I am running late, I wonder how we ever got along before cell phones. Even if I know the person I’m trying to reach can’t answer his or her phone, I can send a text.

The same technology that helps us to communicate can also hurt the quality of that communication, especially in romantic relationships. I know many men don’t like to have confrontations with the women they’re dating. Is it any wonder, then, that so many of my female friends tell me that it is becoming more and more common for men to use text messaging to back out of a date with them, or to break up with them? With text messages you can get your point across without any lengthy or uncomfortable explanations. It’s also easier to manipulate the truth. Many of my male friends write things in texts that they could never have the courage to say if they were looking the woman in the eye. And what’s worse, many of my female friends allow men to get away with this type of activity.

Sometimes we also use the technology as a diversion. For example, I’m not proud to admit it, but I have sent the following text “What you doing?” to someone I was dating when I knew I didn’t want to talk to her for the rest of the day but I wanted her to think I was checking on her.

Modern technology can expedite a number of things, but it can also make us feel as though we’ve had our fill of communicating with our significant other. By the time you two are actually face-to-face, in the same space, you’re all talked out, even though you really haven’t said anything. Before you know it, a relationship can be absent of any true and consistent personal connection. I honestly believe that’s what happened in my past relationship.

These methods of communication can sometimes cause a lot of confusion in relationships. There’s no eye contact; there’s no body language; there are no facial expressions. The nuances that come from tone and voice, and the visual cues we use to understand the significance of whatever is being said are lost.

If you are face-to-face, you have the ability to say “Stop, that’s not what I mean”, and correct any misunderstandings. In person, we have a real-time awareness of when things go right and wrong. The problem with “flat” mediums like texting, e-mailing, and instant messaging is that sarcasm sounds mean and jokes sound dismissive when you aren’t present to make them make sense. There are too many things for it to all go very, very wrong….very quickly. Don’t believe me? Try texting a woman “Can you come over so we can play”. The man might mean “let’s play a game”, or “I want to screw you” it’s all in how the woman interprets that request.

Now I’m not saying that if a person e-mails, or texts “I love you” to his or her partner, the person doesn’t mean it. Plenty of couples find inventive and positive ways to use technology to enhance their personal communication and, thus, their relationship. But relationships are really made in person. Communication is strengthened by looking in a partner’s eyes, by holding hands while conversing, and by having the courage to say what’s going on our hearts, minds, and souls.

Just as we need to step up with our actions, we need to speak up with our emotions. We can’t hide behind the ease of technology, the excuse of gender tendencies, or the history of our own bad habits. If we want to be with someone, we need to learn how to communicate—how to have our say, how to let someone else have his or her say, and most important, how to obtain a consensus agreement.

Where is the discretion?

I'm sure Brett Favre is thinking the same thing right now.

 

dis·cre·tion  (d -skr sh n) n. 1. The quality of being discreet; circumspection. 2. Ability or power to decide responsibly. 3. Freedom to act or judge on one’s own: All the decisions were left to our discretion.

If you take a look around the internet, it seems as though individuals just do not about privacy. Twitter expose’s, Facebook status testimonials, and numerous other instances show that people have no more discretion left in this world. In a time where technological advances occur rapidly, we must remain cognizant of our personal information and “incriminating evidence” that can be easily accessible on the internet for an eternity. Thankfully, I will provide some guidelines to discretion for the modern era.

Any pictures or videos you send can and will be used against you

I couldn’t stress this enough. While some guys revel in the artistic beauty of #TittyTuesdays and #ThongThursdays on Twitter, I could never understand how (or why) women would send those type of pictures and post them on the Internet. What’s worse is when you send these pictures to men that you know, making an improper judgement of their character. Next thing you know, that little precious intimate photo is the pride and joy of his entire crew!

Men, you aren’t any better. This new phenomenon of sending pictures of your penis to women… when did this start? When did this become the new hot trend on the street? Foolishness, let me tell you a secret: All her girlfriends have seen that picture, all of her gay friends have seen that picture, and all of her platonic male friends know that you “be sending your dick all on the net”! They especially clown if you’re packing a pea shooter bro. Not cool.

It’s even worse with these videos. Some people have blue movies shot of unsuspecting men and women everyday.  Candid camera is alive and well in 2010.  Ask Kat Stacks, it’s not that hard to shoot a video and incriminate an unsuspecting individual. We as a whole need to smarten up!

My Advice: If you MUST send these pictures, at least take your face out of them! That way you can deny anything that may trickle onto places not for your liking. If you post these pictures or videos of your own free will, don’t be mad when people you don’t want to see you in spread eagle ask about your trip to Mardi Gras.  I mean, let’s ask Brett Favre about discretion. 

Text messages can be a recipe for disaster

In 2010, we are a bunch of text messaging, Blackberry Messaging, GChatting, Pinging, and emailing individuals. These short messages can carry conversations for hours as we look to multitask. Hell, many people don’t even like to talk on the phone anymore! With this convenient method of communication, we also have gotten lax and comfortable in the types of conversation.

People do dirt daily. Not everybody has a written record of said dirt. When you dudes looking to setup a rendezvous with your  side chick, or you ladies don’t want Ray Ray finding out about your one night with Leon that “you didn’t count because you didn’t cum”, you leave yourself vulnerable to the swindle. For people with smartphones, you can now screen capture, forward texts, send text conversations via email, save chats on the computer, or a host of other ways to keep information secure just in case you need to ether someone. How many stories have you heard about an email chain forward in an office that got someone fired? Let’s not forget the AIM Window Oops Factor (AWOF). The AWOF takes you to the day when an AIM window with a new message would pop-up while you were typing to someone else. Imagine typing a message to a female about how she rode you real crazy-like last night, only to have your girlfriend reply “Umm…what are you talking about?” Yeah, NOT the business. I’ve mistakenly texted wrong people (stories for another day) so I know about this pitfall all too well.

My Advice: Do what you do, but be smart! Show proper due diligence when sending text messages of any kind so you don’t have to yell oops.

Computer Etiquette

If I had a dollar for every story I heard about a woman catching a man cheating because he used her computer to chat with other women, or look at naked pictures, I’d be a multi millionaire. When will people learn that saving passwords, downloading pictures onto a computer, internet browsing history, and other aspects of computer use are as easy to conceal as they are to be discovered? I mean, I’ve heard stories of dudes leaving entire photo albums of other females on their wife’s computer. Let that marinate for a second. There might not be any helping these people but I will try.

My Advice: Use your own computers…or just read a book. Well, reading a book just may be the best option.

I know I’m not the only one to notice these internet transgressions. You guys got any other examples or tips?